"Am I narcissistic?" An expert explains how to recognize narcissism in yourself.

Am I a narcissist? A psychotherapist explains which questions you should ask yourself during self-analysis.

When the term narcissism comes up, it's often in reference to other people. People with a gigantic ego or a pronounced love of self-expression are quickly labeled narcissistic. But who's to say you aren't affected by it yourself?

Are all people narcissistic?

Studies show that everyone carries narcissistic elements within them – with varying strengths and weaknesses. Freud already spoke of a "healthy narcissism," which is necessary for self-esteem and psychological stability. This is hotly debated among experts today; some support the statement, while others believe that narcissism should not be associated with positive connotations. As is often the case in life, there is a spectrum here: from healthy self-love to a destructive attitude. On top of that, there is narcissistic personality disorder – a diagnosis that can and should only be made by medical specialists. But how can you tell for yourself whether you are affected – and how severe your own manifestation is?

How do I know if I am narcissistic?

To classify oneself on the narcissism scale, the following formula is circulating on social media: Anyone who asks themselves this question can't be narcissistic . But that would be too simplistic, says Dr. Bärbel Wardetzki. The psychotherapist and author ("Is it still self-love or already narcissism?" and "Female Narcissism") already finds the casual use of the term narcissism online to be critical. This often leads to all negative behaviors being attributed to a narcissistic personality. However, there can be many other reasons behind narcissistic-like behavioral traits: It doesn't always have to be narcissism.

But there are people who, with their intense narcissism, actually poison relationships and themselves – and often leave behind traumatized individuals. "I believe that narcissism is in all of us. Because much of what people experience is based on narcissistic needs," says Wardetzki. This means that everyone wants to be seen, heard, and recognized. "These are needs whose satisfaction strengthens our self-esteem. What we don't get lowers our self-esteem . This is a narcissistic dynamic, but it has nothing to do with an illness," she explains.

Problems only arise when a person has a strong narcissistic personality or a narcissistic personality disorder. That is, when the person's existing narcissistic traits have grown so strongly—for example, due to emotional trauma—that the negative beliefs transform into narcissistic behaviors.

Do narcissists know they are narcissists?

But how does one transition into self-analysis? "Anyone who truly has a narcissistic problem isn't aware of it," says Wardetzki. It's more likely that those around them notice the extent or even feel the injuries that strong narcissistic behavior can bring with it. "Strongly narcissistic personalities shouldn't be so aware of their narcissism, otherwise the entire system would collapse," she explains. According to the expert, what narcissistic people do isn't done out of malice, but out of necessity. Their behavior is a kind of protective shield, because "behind every narcissistic issue, there is a psychological distress in the background." In order to channel this distress and survive with it, they build a narcissistic system.

How is narcissism recognized in therapy?

It's not uncommon for other people to be belittled within this system while the narcissist praises themselves highly. "This is their way of dealing with previous emotional trauma, and if they were to instead admit to themselves that it's all wrong, then this protective system would no longer function and collapse." This would lead to further problems emerging. Some people then become unable to cope with failure; they can't bear the shame and the admission. "This can even lead to depression ," says the expert.

The problems in romantic relationships

One indication of one's own pronounced narcissistic tendencies are severe problems in intimate, romantic relationships. "Because at this point, the facade can no longer be fully maintained for long," reveals the expert, adding: "The fear always accompanies one: If the other person sees who I really am, they will leave me." This is equally pronounced in men and women. According to Wardetzki, narcissistic personalities are mutually attracted. The relationships often begin with so-called love bombing: "If a relationship repeatedly starts with fireworks in which one idealizes the person as a dream woman and dream man, one should ask oneself why there always has to be these extreme forms." While these dynamics are great at first, according to the expert, one can only lose, "because these are dreams that quickly disappear when everyday life sets in." And then catastrophe follows. "With the narcissistic system, the relationships then break down to seek the next dream, or they stay together and tear each other apart." The well-known toxic relationship.